:: color me beautiful ::

:: snapshot 19 ::

2011-03-19T10:46:00.000-07:00

it's like...even when everything around me is falling into place; there is still this bugging feeling that something is not quite right. when i say falling into place; I'm referring to the loving words and sweet snuggling and security which he gives me. and i realise the intention or affection we have towards each other is becoming slightly selfish. or to some point; even one sided. that it has come to my realization that both are beginning to take each other for granted since the honeymoon period is about be over--but then again, who dictates when the honeymoon period is over? i sit alone in his house on a Saturday evening because he is sick and tired after having worked long hours for the whole week. the only companion i have is his sister (and her beau) who is secretly dating someone who is jobless and unable to let anyone know except for a stranger like me because i would never tell nor would i inspect her life. well the funny thing is; i was out the other night with my girls and caught my playful side looking into the crowd for some eye candies and i begun to wonder to my self "why do you still do that? what are you really looking for?" and what came as an answer was the fact that i am bored. i am someone who is loud and fun and energy driven just by being myself. i am witty as hell and has no problem getting any guys i want hard and turned on then leaving them high and dry. but honestly speaking when i found out i have that ability on any guys, i really don't want to do that to anyone in the crowd in the club. or do i want to follow anyone home and have a ball of a time under the sheets because that is not what i am looking for. i love expressing myself and bringing joy to anyone that comes my way. i remember that no matter what. hence i do need to execute more X actions where i enjoy nights out with my girlie's. but i only belong to one. to him. but im different yeah? im not him and he is not me; hence we do not need to have the same life style. *smiles*

so moving on...

I'm blogging due to the fact that i needed an outlet to let it all out and not be stuck in some aspect of constipation. while looking at the main leading actresses on the television i reflected back upon my self and wonders why would anyone even take a second glance at me? I'm big boned and amazon looking with breasts that does no mating calls for the opposite sex or what-so-ever; i cant do cutesy don't-you-think-I'm-so adorable stunts (it would even make me puke, let alone the dating targets) and I'm not the damsel in distress i-need-someone-to-rescue-me-cause-i-cant-lift-a-needle kind of girl. still i would have to say even when i do not look anything like those Kawaii girls walking down the streets of Taiwan or Tokyo, i do have my attractive points. for e.g: i laugh. a lot. loudly even. i don't give a shit about what everyone around me thinks because that is who i am. other than that--even when i get tensed and shy sometimes, i am aggressive and takes no fuck-ups as an answer. meaning: don't fuck with me. yes it has gotten me into some trouble in some point of my life, but hey--I'm not a fake. so when i watch these characters on the television, i find them depressing and i get into modes of either i grew up wrongly and i should blame my folks or I'm just not good enough--it usually goes with the later. that resulted in me not wanting to be conformed by society and tends to appear stubborn and difficult to please as a person.

OH well...i cant please anyone, all i know that makes me happy is a couple of beers and ciggies, with the peeps whom i love and nothing really matters. westernised i suppose? ooh heck! cheers!

:: snapshot 18 ::

2011-02-14T03:02:00.000-08:00

it's painful to sing when the tears are gathering up inside.
let alone love songs of that special some body some body.
and it's frustrating because at the beginning
it felt like everything was meant to be meant to be.
but no... no... all good things has its boundaries and expires.
i don't want to have to walk down the road which my mother took.
i don't want you to have to go through the life my father chose.
i don't want to have the marriage my folks slaved through 10, 20, 30 years
still not understanding, not forgiving, not tolerant, all tyrants.
tyrants of love, of selfish entities, of what-could-have-been.
no i don't want that.
i don't want to have to go through that with you.
but its all beginning to happen; i see my tyrant flashing in front of me.

:: snapshot 17 ::

2010-07-16T17:37:00.000-07:00

so subsequently whats been happening as of now, I'm currently at Singapore changi airport terminal two with my bestie roomie--shopping around for sushi and chocolates!!! the morning was a major sign or omen, whatever you call it--the storm was atrociously demanding, as if warning us of some events which was bound to happen when we arrive at the airport. truth be told--we were late--like...20 mins before the flt was to take off. and yes--i am aware of it--i was flying before, i mean--however this time round i am a passenger and honestly speaking, i really dont give a shit bout timing. so basically by the time we landed ourselves to the check in counter, the flight closed long time back and there were a dreaded sense of "this didnt just happened to me" i mean, while i was flying before i know we are suppose to arrive at least one hour earlier for checking in and doing all the tourisy thing ( which we did in the end ) before the plane takes off. but i DONT CARE! i was told we were bumed off from our flight and that we were to take the next flight which was in 2 hours time. 2 HOURS?????? no way-- my international patients have taught me alot of things and one of those things which they'd taught me well enough is not to bloody give up on whatever fuking shit requests which they WANT. yes...whatever shit that they WANT base on their current mood and situations no matter how difficult it looked like we were suffering from. so what i did next was that i transformed myself into one of my many colourful patients' personalities and persisted on getting our ass ont he flight no matter WHAT! ...well it didnt quite ended up the way i had in mind, however we did get onto the next flight which was in 2 hours time, instead of the other flight which the counter chick initially treathened us--hmmmm...complain letter floods my mind. i might seriously end up becoming one of those terrors at work. HMPH!!!

:: snapshot 16 ::

2010-07-07T11:22:00.000-07:00

so whats been really happening all these while after the last entry? awaiting to find out?? dying to find out??? SERIOUSLY THIRSTY FOR IT??!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!? oh well, lets just say, i took up acting classes, plus joined coach body and started catching up with the girls back in school. so all's been truly extremely tiring, however the lack of sleep and concentration has been fun nonetheless!!! really love how my life is going on as it is now. im sticking to doing my work and just focus on whats really important in my life instead of giving into my conversations and supporting the me that was all into self pity and victimizing. on top of all these new news, i finally had a one to one talk with my ex's current beau...who is going through EXACTLY the same thing he did to me 3 years ago among other things he is famous for in the community. no naming names, yet i am very sure no matter what happens around him, i am not surprised at all. he is who he is, so im used to him being him and one of the things is the inability to stick to fidelity towards the current main dish of his life. *rolls eyes* enough of this bugger. i mean, dont get me wrong, though we are ex(es) and he is dating one of my friends i do still love him no matter what. becoz it is him that i love--not the deeds that i encourage. so the other thing is, i have GROWN UP!!! i no longer have problems talking to her or her or her or even her about my past relation. i sense myself literally went neutral when he is mentioned. no huge heart wrecking sensations which i used to get. its like...it being lifted off me. totally amazing feeling! OKOK...so lets move on...what is the main challenge to take up coaching for me? the 1.5 yr plan. no, i mean, its true--all of the new coaches/existing coaches/senior&master coaches, have to come out with plans for their new 1.5 years consistently. THAT is a trigger for me...its just that my issue with planning timetables or time drafts or routine/roster...whatever u call it--IS my issue. so as you can tell, im largely free spirited, i love constant moving and physical movements or even practicals: drills, performances; expression opportunities...whatever that allows me to move; i will be engaged in it. so when it comes to planning and being a strategist; i down right SUCK at it. i mean, yea, in a way its because i was not trained in that expect, on the other hand i am willing to go all out and just go for it! push myself to be honest about what is it that i really wana get out of this 1.5 years. from the 10 areas that was important to me, i tossed a few of them out and only left with bout 4 areas which is freaking important and significant in my life. well..thats all for tonight, my eyes are complaining with their constant running away from the screen! zzz monster!!

:: snapshot 15 ::

2010-06-23T11:40:00.001-07:00

so...it feels like it again. it, being the thing call, infatuation. a new beginning of seeing someone for the first time since the last time one sees its current object of affection. except this time around, the perspective of things shifted. to something more like a racing heart beat. or quickening of breathes and sweaty palms. a significant amount of lost words or stolen glaces of awkwardness. i dont even know when it all started. but that day when i saw him appearing at the glass door outside of my lounge, i felt myself lit up. literally. his shades were hung in front of his black t-shirt underneath a gray wool jacket. why and how the hell did i even remember that! its like its starting all over again. however e part inside me which warns-- am i even denying how im feeling inside? maybe this infatuation would somehow go away as time passes by. or the absence of his presence. the messages would become lesser...or he'd become disinterested. or he is in fact only have eyes for someone else or even only for his own life. as if all these time how i am being distracted for awhile its like a short advertisement space due to the fact that the relation energetics area in my life is opening up. no, i cant say anything up front or even in front of any of the girls... the only one who knows would most probably be my housemate. becoz no one can know how i feel inside. it could most probably be just one sided anyhow? all in my mind. unless reality proven otherwise. or maybe the only attraction was all an illusion and he only saw me as an eccentric gypsy in modern time. and i cant hurt her too. she's my friend. the alliance i'm living by would not change...but im so afraid if things happens otherwise. if they do become an item, i would be happy for them. honestly. but if anything else happens vice verse...im not sure how i'd be able to stand looking at her. i should just flow shouldnt i? allow nature to take its course...does that requires me to assist on its natural courses or i should refrain from acting out however ways im feeling inside? what am i so afraid of anyway? its like...im afraid of being failing and getting hurt again.

:: snapshot 14 ::

2010-06-13T12:42:00.000-07:00

No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need...

:: snapshot 13 ::

2010-06-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.

So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life
And I don't know much about your world

:: snapshot 12 ::

2010-06-03T08:02:00.000-07:00

sometimes i really need to stop myself literally from doing something that i realllllllly want to do just so that that part of me could be expressed and exclaimed out of my entire being. becoz somehow of rather having expressed or proclaimed those thoughts &/or actions might do my self more harm than good. the balance of juggling these different sides of me is toiling sometimes.well everyone's sucking everyone's energy dry-or at the best that they know how. im into the second month of my ground job, getting the hand of it, does not mean that i like it yet. enjoy it, however, not the people involved in it. it all kinda reminds me the whole reason why i don't wana work with live humans ever again. its no wonder the minority of the most powerful people want to get rid of the majority masses, who does not understand the fundamental of life itself. its amazing how everyone's in their own lil world not withstanding a single thought for another being of sorts. its as if some parts in my life is asking me to "get out!" while another side is reminding me to "stay put...it might change..." kind of topsy turvy lil game. its so difficult to call upon myself working with all these machines...it should not be that difficult no? and im beginning to wonder if dubai has really made me soft. the thought of going back to flying is almost leaving that fear that i am gona be stuck like this for awhile until i get my act together. to literally think bout the next step...well, not knowing whats in front. the side that is still searching. i mean, i know this a million times. i know what is inside of me, i know i am worth so much more, however i really am stopping myself lately and asking the question "am i really whatever-that-i-know-i-am again?" like life can get more colorful, or bombastic but with lots of meaning and purpose to it. *sigh* i am alone again. whats so difficult of it? its not like i've not been alone for 26 years. but it is depressing i must admit. i know how i look, but i dont feel how i look. or even my life's purpose in the consensus reality at least. im feeling kinda lost touch with my magic..all the old habits of deleting my life away to start new life but never really accomplishing something. i dont wana be that. and in my guts of guts, i know if i dont catch myself soon, i'd be that. so what is my calling? besides the fact of realizing im comparing again. alot actually. sigh...a voice inside just insist that all these venting is just rubbish. my actions are rubbish. *sigh...*when would i appreciate myself again? must i always rely on others to give me a pat on my shoulder before i ever will be the only one giving myself the pat consistently? i hate being so negative. so much...depression, so unheard. yet some part of me is keeping myself unheard, becoz when i look at my self, its as if im not listening to myself becoz im unworthy of it...unworthy of it...i dont like this me. its not me. its that freaking thing that is like a broken recorder. going round and round and round. and when i ask myself what is it that i can do about it...what is wrong with me...? get my purpose...i want to get my purpose. i want to live my purpose. i want to materialize my purpose. to reach out to other people, to learn new things. to consistently learning new things. and to get over my fuking self limitation " I ".the " I " that eats me up inside. readjusting my base construct. to something else. something more stable, more powerful, more in command. of my own life. my own dreams, my goals, my passion.

:: snapshot 11 ::

2010-05-13T08:33:00.000-07:00

i dont like what i've become.

:: snapshot 10 ::

2010-05-09T11:20:00.001-07:00

i hate it that i still have things or the urge to even communicate with him. i want to tell him what a coward he is and how i hate even looking at him now. i hate e fact tt i actually allowed myself to be vulnerable around him and laying my guards down just so tt he gets what he wants--a sense of repayment. i hate the fact tt he does not make any kind of effort at all to relate back into my world. i feel like i dont mean any single shit to him at all, and all the things that he had told me before are all lies. every single word he said are lies and a cover up just so i wont hate him and that i would trust him, continue liking him. he's such a fuking dickhead and im again fuking stupid to have believed tt it would work out somehow. and im disappointed that im disillusioned again into believing that there is a chance things might be different this time round. fuk this game of being vulnerable it is a fuking waste of time and my energy. i dont even want alot. i just want one. n he is somewhere out there with all the wrong women. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!

:: snapshot 9 ::

2010-05-05T10:11:00.000-07:00

i looked through the pictures on my msn profile. i'd forgotten how fun i used to be. i seriously wondered where that girl have gone to. im so much more muted now due to things that happened after 2008. i remembered how joyful and crazy i was on flights and everyone loves working with me because i was just so bloody loud, now i've chose to work in a government sector and typing out excel spreadsheets for overtime willingly....what a huge difference just a year ago...well if someone actually asked if i regret leaving that high paying flying party life, i wont say no. but i wont say yes. because i had a great time and life goes on in phases...im in my new phase. it was such a blast living that other life in that other life time. i was totally drawn into it.

:: snapshot 8 ::

2010-05-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

Hey, slow it down; whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Yeah; I’m afraid...whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?

There might have been a time--
And I would give myself away--
Oooh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn.
But now, here we are so--whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?

Just don’t give up I’m workin it out.
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down.
It messed me up, need a second to breathe.
Just keep coming around--
Hey, whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?

Yeah, it’s plain to see...
that baby you’re beautiful.
And it’s nothing wrong with you...
It’s me, I’m a freak;
but thanks for lovin’ me;
Cause you’re doing it perfectly.

There might have been a time
When I would let you step away.
I wouldn’t even try--
But I think you could save my life.

Just don’t give up; I’m workin’ it out.
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down.
It messed me up, need a second to breathe.
Just keep comin around...
Hey, whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?

Just don’t give up on me.
I won’t let you down.
No, I won’t let you down.

Just don’t give up;
I’m workin it out.
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down--
It messed me up--
Need a second to breathe.
Just keep coming around...
Hey, whataya want from me?

whataya want from me?

*dedicated to that someone who'd let me stepped away*

:: snapshot 7 ::

2010-05-03T08:02:00.000-07:00

and obviously, things fall back to square one in some parts of my life. i suppose that was what i have intended the moment i've decided to head back to town. and now i am accepting and receptive to these changes. so, the question i am asking myself for the past two days "whats new again?" i mean, these notions are what i've been avoiding for the past two years. having to close myself up and crawling out, allowing myself to be vulnerable all over again is...somewhat unacceptable in my world. however, the other side of me tells me i shouldn't be holding on to these attachments and just fuking FLOW. well, im not so sure i am in the mood to anyhow. i can jolly well force myself to move on, or choose powerfully to, and to be honest, i cant ever really be angry at that boy for long. something in me shifted. shifted to what, well probably a form of letting things go, just that those monsters in my head refuses to and decides to have a mind of their own and do their stuff. tantrums; tantrums tantrums fuking tantrums and willingly to brush guys aside who doesn't exactly agrees with me into that box. the can of worms that i refuses to let it out of my control. naive, or not. i just want ONE. that ONE. who actually have the guts to choose powerfully to be with me and is devoted with excitement and willing to work things out in our lives together. *sigh*....who the fuk am i kidding. the other monster meditatively reminds me that everything ends ultimately. i will die, i am dying daily anyhow. so why put in the effort to even live? but i want to live. i want to live and really give my all until the day i die. physically in this realm anyway. *sigh* dont fuking give up woman.

:: snapshot 6 ::

2010-04-21T09:09:00.000-07:00

1st day of everything. but the people are not.

:: snapshot 5 ::

2010-04-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

the funny thing about life is that you never really know whats coming until you start opening your eyes and seeing things around you. if anyone should ask me if i know where am i now, i would reply "in what sense?" however i see things moving along the way i've planned them out before leaving my temp home back in dubai. to be honest, i miss that pit of sand. it was a place where i disappear into and escape to whenever things get too overwhelming in singapore. however ever since i came back to singapore, to my family, to my parents, i found myself being complacent for just a little, before pulling myself out of it and getting back on track: moving out, getting a job, attending weddings.... not to leave out the fact that i'm in the mids of opening up my world to someone new after being hung up on some guy for the past 2 fuking years--is really a major change. ohh did i mention he's actually the same age as me? didnt think so. well the whole issue in regards to being with a younger male has always been a no-no for me. i never thought any of them could catch up with me (not that i'm super or something); its just the mentality. i love learning from my man; so if in any case i've to starting schooling e guy, it's an instantaneous "OUT" from my mouth. however, this one is different. i shall not elaborate, lets spare this space for now and see how he actually surprises me, shall we? as of now, i see how i can involve my self in building a better relation with my parents and brothers. my flatmate and i get along fine. getting in touch with old friends or even making new ones. and i'm finally gona start learning something else other than "great seeing you again sir/mdm" or "hope to see you soon, thank you for traveling with us!" *smile. plus the other new hobbies im looking into--like some dance or exercising or completing my driving license, though i still am doubtful of the people around me, i just cant expect them to fill up my expectations. i suppose life does go on becoming lonely again once i get everything on track. till then, just keep flowing.

:: snapshot 4 ::

2010-04-09T12:51:00.000-07:00

so. the thing bout moving houses, having companies over constantly, expanding skills and mindsets, pushing my limits, juggling parental possessiveness, everything is pretty much up in the air while at the same time, kind of the same. i got two job offers, one offers flexible timing, while the other commands swimming in a big pond. one more free flow while the other has boundaries. so im gona be seeking answers in the unconscious world--dreaming--and geme some signs and omens O-mighty One, Universe! keep moving girl!!!

:: snapshot 3 ::

2010-04-08T23:22:00.000-07:00

wave four stand

infused in the being-ness of love,
we bring forth our scepter of purity
in all intentions
and flow for the river of life with grace.

as one wave, we unite humanity
with sheer courage
and utmost passion,
to return us to the endless ocean of growth
with the highest integrity.

we lead with rigor and honor
the journey of distinction and success

:: snapshot 2 ::

2010-04-08T13:14:00.000-07:00

so currently, day 7, the amount of time it took me to settle into the new place. lots of unpacking and buying of furniture and getting things out of boxes and deciding which ones are keepers and which ones are leavers. my other half have been really supportive and offered to help in every which ways he could. though i'm a female--having lived abroad for four years have equipped me with the stubborn independent-woman-syndrome which subsequently cause light bruising of egos and what not. however in a relationship; communications is key, and the both of us could never stop talking whenever we're around each other or even over the phone--so that's something to look out for and at the same time there's also it's pros and cons. it felt good relating and communicating easily as that's not an ability easily mastered by just anyone, i'm ever so grateful that we're both willing to learn the language of one another and flow around in each others' lives. anyhow, finally got a job! starting next monday. on top of which, i've also got to handle my driving classes, driving testes and passing by jun! this would seriously test out my multitasking ability. and while saying this-- i'm doing all these things for myself and not for anyone else; as i've come to realize that there are some people who find joy in judging and gossiping about other peoples' personality and characters behind their backs instead of going directly to the person and sorting things out. lately i've been a victim of such accounts and i have used this incident to drive me forward not as a proving to them that i have to succeed in my life; but as a force of living the life which i know i am capable of having. all i need to know is how am i responsible for my own life and that i am totally worthy of being alive and that within me, there's infinity.

:: snapshot 1 ::

2010-04-07T05:48:00.000-07:00

here i am, setting up my room over my friend's place and all i want to do is just cry. i mean, what kind of loser can i ever be? its not that i only just misses home or my family, its just that the items which i pull out one after another reminds me of all those energy which i've invested in them and it all feels kinda silly now. its not that i'm silly or the items, its just the whole attachments and detachments conversation that's running in my head. i mean, i remember those times where life is much simpler and there were less of things to think or bother or fuss over. right now im just surrounded by things! HELP!!! to think that i've always been some one who's supper organized and quick with sorting things out. whatever happened to that girl??? i don't get it. i really don't. could be the PMS that's bugging my brain. *receives an idea* the other thing that i can do, is just select the items which i will use and sell the rest away. the practical side in me is ticking off...that would work, i suppose...*looks around* not as if i can just dump everything and start all over again. life should and could be much more simpler. well...back to the sorting the materials out.