:: snapshot 12 ::

sometimes i really need to stop myself literally from doing something that i realllllllly want to do just so that that part of me could be expressed and exclaimed out of my entire being. becoz somehow of rather having expressed or proclaimed those thoughts &/or actions might do my self more harm than good. the balance of juggling these different sides of me is toiling sometimes.well everyone's sucking everyone's energy dry-or at the best that they know how. im into the second month of my ground job, getting the hand of it, does not mean that i like it yet. enjoy it, however, not the people involved in it. it all kinda reminds me the whole reason why i don't wana work with live humans ever again. its no wonder the minority of the most powerful people want to get rid of the majority masses, who does not understand the fundamental of life itself. its amazing how everyone's in their own lil world not withstanding a single thought for another being of sorts. its as if some parts in my life is asking me to "get out!" while another side is reminding me to "stay put...it might change..." kind of topsy turvy lil game. its so difficult to call upon myself working with all these machines...it should not be that difficult no? and im beginning to wonder if dubai has really made me soft. the thought of going back to flying is almost leaving that fear that i am gona be stuck like this for awhile until i get my act together. to literally think bout the next step...well, not knowing whats in front. the side that is still searching. i mean, i know this a million times. i know what is inside of me, i know i am worth so much more, however i really am stopping myself lately and asking the question "am i really whatever-that-i-know-i-am again?" like life can get more colorful, or bombastic but with lots of meaning and purpose to it. *sigh* i am alone again. whats so difficult of it? its not like i've not been alone for 26 years. but it is depressing i must admit. i know how i look, but i dont feel how i look. or even my life's purpose in the consensus reality at least. im feeling kinda lost touch with my magic..all the old habits of deleting my life away to start new life but never really accomplishing something. i dont wana be that. and in my guts of guts, i know if i dont catch myself soon, i'd be that. so what is my calling? besides the fact of realizing im comparing again. alot actually. sigh...a voice inside just insist that all these venting is just rubbish. my actions are rubbish. *sigh...*when would i appreciate myself again? must i always rely on others to give me a pat on my shoulder before i ever will be the only one giving myself the pat consistently? i hate being so negative. so much...depression, so unheard. yet some part of me is keeping myself unheard, becoz when i look at my self, its as if im not listening to myself becoz im unworthy of it...unworthy of it...i dont like this me. its not me. its that freaking thing that is like a broken recorder. going round and round and round. and when i ask myself what is it that i can do about it...what is wrong with me...? get my purpose...i want to get my purpose. i want to live my purpose. i want to materialize my purpose. to reach out to other people, to learn new things. to consistently learning new things. and to get over my fuking self limitation " I ".the " I " that eats me up inside. readjusting my base construct. to something else. something more stable, more powerful, more in command. of my own life. my own dreams, my goals, my passion.