:: snapshot 7 ::

and obviously, things fall back to square one in some parts of my life. i suppose that was what i have intended the moment i've decided to head back to town. and now i am accepting and receptive to these changes. so, the question i am asking myself for the past two days "whats new again?" i mean, these notions are what i've been avoiding for the past two years. having to close myself up and crawling out, allowing myself to be vulnerable all over again is...somewhat unacceptable in my world. however, the other side of me tells me i shouldn't be holding on to these attachments and just fuking FLOW. well, im not so sure i am in the mood to anyhow. i can jolly well force myself to move on, or choose powerfully to, and to be honest, i cant ever really be angry at that boy for long. something in me shifted. shifted to what, well probably a form of letting things go, just that those monsters in my head refuses to and decides to have a mind of their own and do their stuff. tantrums; tantrums tantrums fuking tantrums and willingly to brush guys aside who doesn't exactly agrees with me into that box. the can of worms that i refuses to let it out of my control. naive, or not. i just want ONE. that ONE. who actually have the guts to choose powerfully to be with me and is devoted with excitement and willing to work things out in our lives together. *sigh*....who the fuk am i kidding. the other monster meditatively reminds me that everything ends ultimately. i will die, i am dying daily anyhow. so why put in the effort to even live? but i want to live. i want to live and really give my all until the day i die. physically in this realm anyway. *sigh* dont fuking give up woman.